14 posts tagged “queer”

c. 2 years

A new friend invited me to go out with some of the guys to drink and unwind, they're the people I worked with in the museum, he'd been bragging about going out with him and hang out.

He asked me to go to Esquinita Bar, a small strip of straight bars in Timog, QC.

dEaR gOd.!

It was awkward at first because they were 3 straight guys. For apparent reasons, I know that it would be pretty difficult to get in line with some of the night's discussions.

Each time that a girl passes by, they criticize and they tend to get into "details", while I, with all the effort to avoid further awkward moments, made my own delights by ironically checking out the cute bar attendants and made it seem like I belong, which was a good ice-breaker. ^_^

The night turned out well, I had a great time with the guys.

**

Sometime last week, I was making out with a guy.

I asked: "What's your fetish?"

He said: "What do you mean by fetish?"

The other day, another guy.

I asked: "What's your fetish?"

He said: "What's fetish?" "

 I lived with my hope that they could be.. oh well. * Sigh *

by Bonnie Young

The thing about spending time with 17-year-old gay friends is when they bring their 13-year-old gay friends to a bar and meet guys.

After Mikee and I dined in Cyma in Greenbelt 3, I met with my juvenile friends and took them to F bar.

To think that it was their first time.

It's pretty difficult for they're my responsibility.

I have to keep an eye on them. They seem to look mature but I'm certain their minds are somehow still naive.

Telling them not to do this and act like this, sharing what they have to know about "the scene" and somehow teaching them as how things are.. those were the things I'm doing last night.

Gosh.

They met guys last night, I'm pretty scared, of course.. I knew they got a little forward that night, I didn't stop them, though.. but I have to make sure that they'll take it one step at a time.

What bothers me is I know they engaged themselves to conversations with new people which I prefer not to ask what they have talked about.. but, again, they're still somehow naive, I'm not even sure how old their new guys were.

I cannot keep on doing this! ^_^

The Thank You Girls

Went to UP Diliman, to watch the premiere of the much talked about gay movie, The "Thank You" Girls by Charliebebs Gohetia.

Met with MC and Mikee at the Choolate Kiss Restaurant and met with the rest of the gays during and some after the movie.

It was really funny and interesting.

I thought at first it was like "To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar", because of the similarity of transgenders and transsexuals and their long journey to join a big gay beauty pageant and longing to see a gay icon.

What made it nice is how the movie defined each "beauconera's" desire to be a queen because of the sense of self-achievement next to money.. it shows how a backstage looks like during such pageants that most people are not aware of.

The perfect gay Filipino setting and the characters' personalities reflect the colorful and bright worlds of homosexuality, though there are inhibitions for the stereotype to feel upright, it still shows the real faces behind the beauty of cosmetics and the dresses, it needs deep understanding.

The Film Institute was filled with gays, Claire dela Fuente was invited and considered a gay icon.. which made us think.. "how come we just knew that moment that Claire dela Fuente's a gay icon? Is she really?" hahah.

What answered that is how we defined her as a campy character and such characters are appealing to gay people.

We dined somewhere in Quezon City in a Kebab restaurant, there were just 10 of us because the others left early, and by that time, I was awake for 24 hours.

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Took this test, answered it wholeheartedly, yet my results were jaw-dropping. I am 46% gay!?? NO!

This is unacceptable! There's got to be some mistake! hahah... =)

I am 100%!

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"Vince, I have to tell you something, i'll call you.." I said.

But I waited for two days with no answer, so I asked when we had the same day.

"Have you received my last message?" I asked him.

...and he replied, "'di po.", and I felt sad. I thought I would be able to talk to him, and at least spend 20 minutes talking to him even if it was just on the phone, but to no delight, he wasn't able to get my message..  we barely speak to each other and usually we just say "Hi, Kamusta naman? [How are you?]"

I was determined still. I was clinging on to the fact that what I do not hear won't kill me, and in the first place it's all I've wanted to do, no matter how uncertain(or apparent for that matter) the results, I'd still shout because I feel I have to do it.

The first Sunday was so nice, I started the day right, had enough sleep the day before, I was energetic and positive aura was with me.

I knew that was the day.

Yet at that moment, I felt my sense of decision turned into halves. There was a feeling of certainty that I see something which I vaguely know what it is. Despite of that state, I managed to cover it up with the drying hope that I have.

He asked, "ano ung sasabhn mo sa'ken?" [what is it that you will tell me?]

I knew I had to tell him because he asked and since we have a flowing conversation.

"ang improper nmn kung dito ko sasabihin." I said. [i think it would be improper to say it here]

"ok lang, ano 'yun?" [it's ok, what's that?]

I was really confused that time, I wasn't thinking. All I can feel is that I cannot lose that chance because it's been a while and I really want to get over it, and have a peak of what will happen next.

"uhm.. is it ok if i ask you to go out with me?"

What a relief!

I couldn't imagine how I was able to do that, I mean after having denied myself of that gesture which I thought I couldn't do.. and yet I am entitled to that as a person who's mature and understands what sincerity is.. I have done something which to some of my friends and to people who know me would be a rare side of my personality to be exposed.

Well, I know I can do that, it's just that.. it's something I feel is a complete risk of either making the person close to you as a friend and start a bond which may remain stable or keep that person away from you because of a started notion which obviously pushed the mystery away.

After I have finally blurted to him what THIS was all about, he did not reply.

I started to feel pathetic and regret began to ignite. "I shouldn't have done it" is what came through, and yet I stood beside my act.

"ok lng kung ayaw mo, just say 'no'?", I continued.

"paalam muna ko sa bf ko" [i have to ask my boyfriend] , **my translation: "die patrick, die!"** lols.

Devastation. But I didn't completely feel discouraged, after all I knew that may be an answer.

"so kelan ko maririnig ung answer mo?" [when will I have an answer?], I asked.

he answered, "pagkatapos ko magpaalam" [after I have asked permission], I thought to myself, "Duh!"

Our discussion went on and after that we had to say our thank you's and bid goodbye's to each other and I really felt satisfied. I was really happy of what I've done, which made me proud of myself.

I felt I have achieved something to which whatever comes next, I have accepted them as *ahem* a gentleman.

Relieved and pleased was all I felt as I waited for the bus on my way home.

As I waited, I saw Vince walking towards the waiting shed where I was.

Me, conscious.

I asked, "Where are you going? Are you on lunch"

"Yeah", he replied.

And then he pointed at something...

the friendster photo

2 comments

*an idea.

*I know where to put myself

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*six feet under (..lols)

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I thought to myself, "why do I have this anxiety?", "There's no reason".

...the name he gave me as his YM id,

....the YM id that resembled the name on the testimonials,

.....testimonials which contained confusing lines from a bestfriend,

......his bestfriend whom he confirmed his boyfriend for "2 years and 8 months".

After seeing that, I closed our online window, logged off of my seat.. went home, I thought of that as a blow right to my face.

I deleted him the next day from my Friendster account, retaining his invitation in my e-mail. I don't know why I did that. I felt that I want to start cutting off things that connect me to him. I was so stupid.

Why couldn't I bear this feeling?

I am not like this. I am more than cynical when in comes to these things.

I hate him so much. I hate myself.. yet I like him so much and I love myself too.

When will this end?

Should I ask? I should not. Details that I get make the decisions-to-be come to a close, more to "Do not".

I knew I had to end this and to do what I've always wanted to say is where I should begin, so this could pass and continue doin' what i've done in the past.. deep somewhere in me, I grieve.

So, I left him a message while he was offline, I said "Vincent, I have to ask you something, text me.. thanks."

That made me so worried the next two days.

I checked my GPRS(mobile internet) everytime, hoping I could get a response. I waited two days with no answer.

I couldn't cry because I just can't.

Blamed myself because I was pathetic thinking that he would go out with me and tell him that I like him.

This has to stop.

My mind is forced to think "I couldn't wait to hear him say 'No, I'm sorry, Patrick'", so I could move on and take this feeling of discomfort off of me... but behind those words, I hope to hear "Yes, I can be yours".

I have seen my transition from that satisfied single person to a hopeless romantic one I thought I could never be.

Anyway, that night, I stayed up until 4:00 in the morning to check if he's already online, texted my friend to check if he's there.. and had the answer "No, he isn't around"... most likely, he didn't see my message. *crap!

That afternoon, I went online.. he's there... but he's "away from the computer", I said, "Hi, I have to tell you something, I'll call you."

I'm really losing hope now.. I'm giving up? This tormenting must stop. I have survived before. I can do it again.

I thought to myself: "Please bring back the Patrick I know.."

This is so much misery right now.

Come that night.. I asked him.. "Did you get my message?"

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What would the title of your autobiography be?

.

incessant iridescense

by: the galavantiator

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..so there's his Friendster account.

He's leaning on a guy's shoulder. Smiling.

My consciousness suddenly stopped. My thoughts expanded, in my mind I had a question without a question.. my face was expressionless. I felt the time really stopped and my eyes shift its vision with edges and not smoothly.

I could truly say for the first time that "my world was shattered".

But I had hope.

The account was "limited", but can be accessed by those who have an account. So I browsed through mine having the settings of "anonymous viewing" as "yes".

Went through the "testimonials"... I began to smile.

Lots of ladies' testimonials, lines that include "habulin ng girls", "lots of girls line up for him", "past relationships".. too much to bear but truly confusion brought not irritation but rather hope that I could still get to know him without other people getting hurt. After all, I am not insensitive.

There's this Ralph who gave him dedications on testimonials, I thought he was someone different. It didn't include his own photo so I wasn't sure if he's also the guy Vincent was leaning on to on the main picture. But then, he's the only guy who gives messages which are rather unusual, considering there are several. Lines that include "bestfriend", "dude", "miss you", "take care"... what do those mean?

Confusion.

At that moment, inside me I was in agony. It was pain.. and I could anticipate the future.. I told myself, I should stop.

So I did.

Come the next days, the urge is there again. Something in me tells me that I should do something about the feeling I had, having the desire to let him know that I like him, is something I can do myself as a favor.. the least there is.

I still had the courage.

I requested a chat window again on YM. I started.

"Hi", "How are you?", "Busy?"

He said, "No". "I'm okay, you?", "it's avail".

and then he asked for my picture. I thought of my Friendster.

So I replied: " (my email address ~ ): <<<<< "

"Ahh", he said, having not aware that he still was confused on who I was.. (me: irritated)

That time I haven't acknowledged that I have anger and despair, rather I enjoy every second I was connected to him through that tiny computer window.

But everytime we meet, I have this tendency to repel from him. I wanted to avoid him to have some self-preservation, I didn't want to engage to too much hope which may have results I am completely aware of. Things which in the beginning I know may come across... but this urge simply can't be resisted.

The next day, I got a message on my e-mail: "New Friend Request from Vincent *bleep* (not true name)".

I wasn't sure if I was happy that he invited me, or if I was insulted because he's trying to say something. (or just for the add-on to his friends list) ..I had no idea.

I had the friend request on pending.. lasted for a couple of days. I don't know why I did that but I wanted to do it.

And yet, I was happy. Those simple actions, 'though may not have any meaning, were gifts to me.

"Should I or Should I not ask him to go out with me?" The question again came to my mind. My courage then was overflowing and my aura was bursting positively.

I started to talk to him again through that tiny hope-giving window.

I began, "Hello". "'sup?"

"Hi", he said.

"Ang cute ng picture natin sa Friendster ah! *lols", I continued.

He said, "Tatay ko yan! hahaha!" ("That's my dad!")

"Oh c'mon!", "Is he your boyfriend?" I added.

"Yes." he answered.

I felt complete self-devastation.. Somehow my self-preservation plan was effective in saving myself from any self-humiliation and the agony that would bother me for the entire time when we'll be meters apart was somehow lessened, yet the presence of it still is the same.

I immediately closed the window. I was rude. I did it with my subconscious. It's as if my mind turned on to something else, and my hands did what they had to do because they care about me.

On my way home, I couldn't get off my mind what he told me about their "relationship".

It really bothered me.

And I'm really getting even more involved with him...