20 posts tagged “relationship”

I showed my cousin, who's also my alter-ego, a photo of a guy I recently got acquainted with and I have a crush on him.. Matthew.

All my friends definitely would like him too.

He broke up with his boyfriend, who's a little way older than he is and he told us what happened.. that his boyfriend's boyfriend (and Matthew's aware of it) sent him a text message telling him to stop getting in between them.

He's devastated, [ I feel ], and that's how we started talking.. it's weird because I've been with their circle of friends for quite sometime now but we never really talked.

Yeah, he's got this really nice features and small but cute body frame and THOSE eyes are just mesmerizing.. they're like a giraffe's with those long eyelashes with small eyelids.

However, since we really don't know each other that much.. I can say that my first impressions are a little off my standards.

He may not be well-off but he doesn't seem to be aware of the basic knowledge.

Next is that he cannot converse in English that well.. I'm not a grammar police and I can't say I'm any better, but I know that people can have that impression on him too.

Lastly, I'm not sure how hardworking he is with his dreams and ambitions.. as my first impression, I cannot think positively.

I asked my cousin what she thinks of him.. she then said, "Ano naman ang social status n'yan?"

..I cannot believe what she said... I showed her a photo, and she gave a mean reaction, how's that?!

I'm certain that he's a nice eye candy.. but it seems that he's not the "ideal" guy.

I hope I'm wrong.. but I'm thinking if his ex-bf's nice to him, I'm nicer.

I'm wondering, where did my spark go? Was it because my cousin's reaction opened the box I was still thinking of opening? and possible future flashed in front of me?

Could I make him say to me like the one from Repertory Philippines' I Love You Because's, "You're the one I will be better for.."

What am I thinking..?

Gender fluid

There's a new trainer at the gym. He's pretty cute, tall as I am and has a really nice body. He's straight.

He's from downsouth, Cebu City and he said he did a modelling stuff for Mossimo. Impressive.

We've been hanging out at the gym with the other guys for the past week, and I like that he's not the snob type, rather, he's very friendly and everybody's cool with him. I suppose, as the lead trainer there, that's part of the package.

Being the only queer there with a new batch of people, I thought I'd feel a little odd or other people would let me feel off, but with his help, I reign, yet again.

He hangs around often and helps me while I do my routine, he guides me too.

He engages me in small talks and sometimes with naughty stuff. He asks questions straight people would normally ask a gay guy like me.. relationships, physical preference, coming out, sexual things.. most of which had been asked to me, and were answered countless times.

Our discussions are pretty interesting, we share stories and stuff that are intellectual and funny at the same time.

He asks about guys I prefer, he points at random guys there and checks my standards.. I reply by doing the same but the other way around.

I said that I never liked muscular guys, or very tall guys.. they're nice eye candies, though.

But he was amazed when I said that I never liked straight guys after high school, that I prefer to be emotionally involved with someone who's gay and out.

I guess, his reaction was normal to me as I understand how some people think that gay guys would prefer "straight" guys as they thought gays think of themselves as ladies.. stereotyping stuff.

He compared it to sexual stuff that since gays do what I can, then I would prefer it on me, instead of doing it with a potato.

It then occurred to me, how I started liking gay guys.

Seriously, I can't recall.

I cannot remember how I transitioned to being firm on saying "I prefer guys who are not straight".

But I do know that television series plus reading, and getting involved further with researching about homosexuality influenced and taught me that it's fun for 2 gay guys to go together.

Back when I was starting to discover Malate, a popular local gay district, I never looked at how people were, but now, it's different, it seems that if there's a straight guy and a gay guy, I'd check out the gay one and think of the other as a random straight guy, no matter how cute they both could be.

I don't know, maybe the discussion with the new trainer at the gym triggered the state of my mind right now.

Now, say if I liked a straight guy and I liked a gay guy.. that's untraditional gender fluid, but what if I, or others liked a girl in addition to the mentioned situation and in a manner not only towards beauty, rather entirely as a whole. Where does it fall?

Ah.. the complexity of gender queerness!

In the movie Ever After, King Francis made a deal with his son, Henry, to avoid an arranged marriage.

He said, "If love is what you seek, then I suggest you find it before then. For 5 days hence, at the stroke of midnight you will announce your engagement to the girl of your choice.."

For me, the 12th month is just a page away. The past year had been a mix of sad and happy days.

Part of each day during the past months took me to a piece of myself looking for that person, for romantic people, they call it: The One.

I admit, I struggle in handling relationships.. I know my capacity and I know my limitation. I have a personality and attitude that appear when I see something that likely trigger the anticipation of a fatal end of a connection with another guy.

*

This year, I felt karma.

It could be karma or it's just my defense mechanism to define an event from the fact that I need to adjust my perception of imperfection, and the need to take it in me that both sides could be horrible and messy.

When I visit museums, whenever another person views a certain piece at the same time I'm viewing it, I engage a small talk. I try to pick the person's brains and see how interesting he/she could be to me.

Many people don't get Abstract art immediately, I, too, sometimes have a hard time.

More often than not, I meet people who can hardly see the subject of an abstract art, the message it has and the thought to decipher. They end up moving to the next piece.

I should apply my eye for Abstract art in relationships. I should consider deeper, not to give up and avoid moving on to the next piece. Rather, consider the art, and see the beauty in it, after all, once the abstract is clear, I can say "Ah, I get it".

Abstract is a technique. A relationship needs techniques.

As King Francis continued, "..or I shall announce it [ any girl ] for you".. Good thing,

the crown-prince has backup help, I only have myself to announce it if I have found him.

The following were taken from this year, each represents a quarter...............

No kissing

I can't seem to understand some guys who don't want to be kissed yet want to be f*ckd.

Is that a psychological thing?

How about emotional?

Could it be their kisses only belong to their prince?

They s*ck [ and want to be f-ed ] but they don't kiss.. what's up with that?

I need to research.

H-S

I attended a friend's kid's 1st birthday at KFC E.Rod., in the afternoon and went to an open forum with friends.

The forum is about a dear friend whom we think is a little out of the way with his current relationship.

We had some issues raised and cleared out, even things which we noticed are pretty irritating and it's just not a good thing that most of us have something to say with an insignificant anger.

So we talked it over along the quiet Mendiola St.

Well, I'm still filled with high hopes for both of them.

There was this guy at the gym who tried to hit on me. He came to me and flirted while I'm fixing myself in the locker room.

I didn't know he was gay until I figured why he kept on forcing himself to me and feel him, I asked if he's gay, and he said he is. I remember he was a new member and he told me he saw me ask my gym trainer and other people if he was gay, but I couldn't remember what I learned, I just let things be.

-

He bothers me, he comes in the locker room everytime I go in to do something. He keeps on touching me.. so to divert his mind, I engaged him to a conversation: his coming out to me.

To keep the temperature low, I became casual. I feel he is one of the instruments sent by "karma", to test my virtue of chastity, as I promised her that I'll be clean in 30days.

He admitted he wanted to do it with me, but I'm holding on to my promise. yet he engaged me to a smack. Is that bad, goddess karma?

I wasn't really sure that time what the literature of chastity is, all I know is that one should not engage into any sexual act.

The movie 40days & 40nights came into my mind, I haven't really seen the entire movie but I'm sure it's somehow about what I'm doing now.

Is kissing part of it? How about touching yourself? Holding hands maybe? What if the other guy started it and somehow I didn't intend to engage myself? I can't make out, you mean?

Well, if chastity only equates to actually "doing it", then I come clean. *how many days to go..?

"I'm Single and I'm Aware."

It's Singles Awareness Day today! But since it falls on a weekday, nothing exciting was planned with my friends.

Ang Lihim ni Antonio

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Yesterday, I went to Robinson's Galleria to watch "Ang Lihim ni Antonio" (Antonio's Secret) with Mikee, it's about a boy who discovers his sexuality on his own.

The story's quite realistic and indeed interesting, the actors were able to define the setting of each scene, and the music even curved the mood. It's climax and ending are pretty touching, and it stirs the sense of analysis. ^_^

Today, I was to watch "Sinta!" at Ateneo, but they couldn't give me tickets as they were all reserved and I was told that I have to take my chances by going there.

Heck! Ignore Dulaang Sibol.

So I just watched "Day Break" (directed by Adolfo Alix, Jr.) at U.P Film Institute in Diliman (again, with Mikee), another Coco Martin gay indie film. It's about 2 men (with Paolo Rivero) in a dilemma whether they will continue their relationship or not, and they have to decide before the sun rises.

"Day Break"

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The story's pretty good, however, I find several loopholes. I wasn't satisfied on how the story progressed, the situations seemed unrealistic and inconsistent.

Labels are irrelevant, but the movie should have somehow defined it, but again, it's not important.. What I'm looking for are stories, flashback perhaps, on how their relationship was and how colorful it was, but there were none.

I liked both films, but if one misses to watch the latter, I guess you didn't lose anything. I prefer everyone to see the former.

Chocolate Kiss, UP Diliman

A girl, serenaded.

Happy S.A.D.!

Anyway, we had dinner at the Chocolate Kiss at the Bahay ng Alumni, there were couples having dinner, flowers and hearts arranged as table setting.

There was a couple seated at my back, then a few minutes after, some guys went in with musical instruments, they'll be serenading a girl.. and the girl was somehow embarrassed, but it was really sweet.

Of course, heart talks during the evening.. but I'm definitely sweeter.

It's been a couple of months since I started this "planned quest", and up to now, I haven't found anyone or felt anything that I think would save me from being cynical.

The past days, it even occurred to me more something that my friends are certain about me, I know I'm a little choosy, but what I can't decipher is when people say "just wait".

Choosy

How can one wait..?

Last weekend I went out. After a long day of personal schedules, I, from watching "Skin Deep", we had the usual "dinner with friends".

There were only 5 of us, one was with his plus one.

I didn't know the couple were in an L.Q., I, being sensitive for everybody, I want everyone to feel accepted and belonged. I engaged a conversation.

It was only during dinner when I felt something's wrong, the couple wasn't talking to each other. Fine, I'm not involving my evening to this.. after all, it's the thought of being with friends that I went all the way to the place.

The evening turned out to a mess. My friend and his boyfriend no longer came back and they weren't answering our calls.

There were the 3 of us.

We started walking and hanging out, we talked about the couple's situation and after a little past midnight, it was official, we got a text message.. they broke up.

All we knew was that they were in the car, parked at the building across the street.

We came to the rescue, we couldn't leave our friend, we drove around and searched 6 floors of the parking lot.. but nothing.

Spent the night at Starbucks. I, the only one with high hopes that our friend will show up that evening, and that they would still be together went to nothing.

My evening was somewhat confusing..

Tops~Bottoms

We had a discussion instead of what we're looking for. Each shared his current situation.

a. One who's in love with a guy, but we don't know if he's straight or gay.

b. The sincere one who's feeling disappointed of effort gone wasted.

c. While, I cannot move on.

As we discuss, I thought, most gays are single, and I'm certain each is longing to find The One.

Are they having difficult time too? Definitely it has something to do with being "Choosy".

"It's not in bars, nor online."

So, What Now?

We talked about a couple who restricts each other to engage themselves in partying, as one may be "tempted".

Another couple, one is somewhat ignorant yet the other can say "been there, done that" in the gay scene.

So, Where Then?

If He is to come, should he come from a common friend, or in a music store? How about someone I bumped into in a restaurant?

I just can't force fate.. or is karma getting back on me?

Do you think real love can last throughout any distance, or will long distance end most relationships?

It may happen both ways, but I'd go with "it may last".

I'm talking about gay relationships.

For a fact, same-sex relationships (well, I'm focusing on male ones, since that's the only thing I've been in) are unquestionably complicated.

Only gay guys can truly attest to that.

Infidelity is always an issue.. but Trust is a different thing.

I've always believed that gay guys cannot be controlled from looking out or checking out other guys.

As far as I'm concerned, there are only two ways:

a. Getting involved sincerely in a commitment without engaging to one night hook-ups.

b. There's a relationship, but there are hook-ups with other guys, yet without emotional attachment.

The former comes true for straight relationships, that's clear.

But, the latter comes with Trust, as long as there's open communication, where understanding and acceptance is defined by both men, it wouldn't be a problem.

I'm open to an idea that other men can "pass through" but can never get "in between".

I'm 23, in a few days I'll turn 24, and I'm still single.

How many serious guys have I been with and wanted to be in an emotional journey with? A few..

T.L.W.

I feel I'm on the verge of becoming perpetually single, I know I've lived my life independently without someone to go home to, I have lived most of my life without someone picking me up and will drop me off at my house, or the other way around for that matter.

I can barely imagine myself living with someone, opening up myself and completely entering a new place with a person I would take a risk on trust.. I have stayed with my friends but not with someone I just met and knew in a few minutes.

Back in college, I was introduced to the big world of queerdom, High School was over and it was the time that I'd get to experience things I said I couldn't do.

In a year, I've learned how to meet guys from on-line, to go out and know gay people of different ages and personality.

It was at that time too that I've gone to bars of all sorts. To think then, I started to try all things that are just there.. with them luring my eagerness and curiosity..

I was 19.

After a year, I somehow mellowed, yet thinking, "Ok, I'm having fun, I enjoy this."

It was the time I met (J), he was 21.. He was introduced to me by a friend..

We went out, texted, went to see movies and tried restaurants, we had fun, to think now, it was sweet.

One day, he just said that he likes me.. yes, he's pretty cute with his rather dark complexion, but in a week's time, I disappeared from his life.

Then there was (M), we have been introduced already and we got to meet again..

We went out, had fun together and we had a relationship. I missed my single life then, I thought to myself, "what will I do?".

I split with him but he begged me not to, so we talked things over and managed to save what we had. But as we went through with it, I just said one day "goodbye.." and I disappeared.

That happened to some guys I met online, I go out with them and opened up myself, but I just disappear when my impulse can't stop me from leaving.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I know that's impolite but I'm thinking now "There's got to be a reason for all these, but I don't know what they are.." but I know I long to find "Mr. Right"..

But what if I did, what are the chances that I'm not going to leave?

Have I become numb to be a part of someone's life because all these years I have figured a theory in my mind about how my life would be if I'm in a relationship? That there's a certain part where I could be devastated?

I guess I'm really scared because my reserved personality, though I may be very aggressive, still say "You're very fragile, Patrick. Be gentle."